Overcoming Overthinking

Yes, I’m one of those people who have to think  A LOT about everything. Such as what to order, what to wear, what to say and what not to say. The most frustrating action my mind takes is imagining situations and rehearsing everything I will need to say so there are no mistakes. This overthinking put my mental state in such distress that I feel my hands wet from all the sweating. I understand the true meaning of headaches during this time. When I imagine situations, I think of the worst outcome possible, then I feel upset and back myself away in real when the situation arises. This frustrates a lot of people around me such as my boyfriend. He finds it weird how I do this to myself, making a big deal over spilt milk. He tells me to only focus on things that need energy and time and not waste my mental energy on useless things. Because of this behaviour we have had numerous fights and arguments, this then upsets me because I know it is my fault because I had to overthink everything and it had to be a big deal. At the end, we both get so exhausted that we forget what we were fighting about. The only way I find myself overcoming this behaviour is to not think. Sounds impossible but it is helping me.

The only way I find myself overcoming this behaviour is to not think. Sounds impossible but it is helping me. Here’s what I do, when I find myself observing and analysing every little detail and every angle of a prospect situation. I step back and say, ‘does it need to be big deal’. Do I really want to put myself through this? The most important question I ask myself is ‘will it matter to me in 24 hours?’If it doesn’t then you know, it isn’t worth putting yourself in a pickle jar where the escape is inevitable. Overthinking has always been an issue for me and probably will in the later future. But the important thing to learn is to find ways to deal with this. Not just calming yourself but actual effective methods that help you escape the situation. Once you’ve discovered that, repeat it and tell yourself you can do this, you can overcome it.

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Dear Mum and Dad

Dear Mum and Dad,

I hope to tell you one day about my anxiety that has developed because of you guys. The endless overthinking, the increase in breathing and the overwhelming feeling of guilt.

Ever since I was a child, you have told me to be independent, be strong and be capable of doings on my own. But when I do, why do you act like a stop sign. I went out today and said I’ll be home on time but didn’t come until 9 pm. Let me remind you I am 19 turning 20. I would like some sort of freedom now. When will it stop?

Yes, you will tell me ‘we give you freedom’, ‘we let you do whatever you want’ etc etc etc. No that is not the case, you don’t let me do whatever I want. Because of me, my friends can’t enjoy properly. They are nice enough to understand but it will get annoying at some point.

It is my holidays, I work Thursday to Sunday. Rest of the days I am home. Do you expect me to stay home at all times? Not go out at all. If I can, please tell me what is allowed and what isn’t?

I think that you guys are understanding and if I’m late you guys will be okay with it. But I am wrong.  One call scares the shit out of me. Today I felt like I did the most horrible thing. I disobeyed you guys. It’s a really scary feeling. I get very stressed. I don’t know if you will ever understand me and what you put me through. I know I shouldn’t be pleasing anyone including you guys but I don’t want to disappoint you.

I act all tough and strong. Always advocating to stand up for what you believe in. But I do that to encourage others. Not like me who is so vulnerable and fragile on the inside that one phone call makes me have a meltdown.

I am this weakling, who is scared of disappointment, scared of losing you guys.

I have friends you don’t like. But you should trust me not to get into anything stupid. But I don’t receive that trust. I receive nothing but doubt.

I can’t stand up to guys about staying out late because I shit my pants. I can’t remain calm when you ring me. I can’t relax when you ring me to say I am late. I can’t control my breathing. I can’t control my urge to cry.

I hope to stand up to the both of you. One day I will. When I am strong and fearless. I’m not sure what will happen but it’s gonna happen.

Oh, I wish to ask for everything I seek but I am not strong enough. I may yell, argue and speak really loud but to you guys, it will be like a little child throwing a tantrum.

You want us to do things that you want. Hang out with your friends. Go where you want. What if I don’t want that? I want to hang out with my own friends. Do things that I want. I hope you understand this some day.

I don’t want to argue and go out. I don’t want to have a fight. Why can’t it be simple?

It will make my life so much easier. So much less stressful.

This probably won’t matter in the long run, I probably won’t remember it a week down line from today. But it affected me, it’s affecting me now and will continue to affect me when similar situations arise.

 

 

 

 

Sore Feet

Do you ever feel that you have to do a task because no one else will do it?

With me, it’s simple there are chores to do around the house, my sister doesn’t do it because she wants to enjoy her weekend. Whereas me I can’t do that. I feel bad that my mum has to everything by herself plus things will be dirty.

I am not seeking sympathy. I just feel very tired doing things around the house because it’s usually done during the weekend and I work this time. I feel exhausted and want to relax but I can’t bring myself too.

I don’t know why my sister doesn’t like helping around. Sometimes I feel she lacks empathy.

When I do my bit, people praise me and my sister thinks I want attention, but I don’t. I don’t want to be the center of attention. I just like being clean and tidy.

 

Spineless

I am a people pleaser and I hate it.

I feel the need to do things that the other person wants. They probably don’t care if I do it or not but I have to do it. I need to complete it to make them happy.

I have Mum issues and that’s where my people pleasing issues come from. Always did things that would make her happy. Said things she will like.  Even though it was like that when we were little and now I am 19. I still am that way. Doing things and saying things she will like. So I don’t disappoint her. I just don’t want to be a disappointment to anyone. If I say no to her I feel like she will emotionally blackmail me and make me sound like I’m such a horrible child. It’s really hard for me to listen to that. In the moment I can listen and let it out from the other ear but the words will linger around for a long time. There are things that I want to do but because my mum might not approve of it, I step away from it.

It’s always been like doing things her way and god forbid if I brought up my own way. That’s not allowed. She’s always right and whatever my sister or I say is wrong and that we are being a smartass.

I sometimes feel I live for her and do things according to her. I can’t do anything for myself. Because of this I have become a people pleaser.

I please anyone. I would do whatever it takes to give them what they want. It’s a horrible thing to do and I know I shouldn’t  be living this way. But it’s hard to let go of this behaviour.

My boyfriend tells me to wear certain type of clothes because it will look good on me and it will suit me but my mum might not agree to it so I don’t wear it but make the excuse of I don’t feel comfortable wearing it. I would like to show off my curves and dress nice all the time but if it’s something my mum might not approve of, I stop myself. Because she will me tell off. I don’t know how to stop this. I am scared of her. I want to wear whatever the fuck I want. I don’t know why I have to please her.

Sometimes I feel, I missed out on so many things because she said no. Now I’m an adult wth no skills, no direction in her life. I pretend to know what I’m doing but I actually don’t know where my life is headed.

Being a people pleaser sucks. You live with these anxious thoughts of doubt all the time. I wish I wasn’t. I pretend to be strong but I’m really not. I’m so sensitive. Small things tick me off. I have trust issues. I feel people are being nice to me for the sake  of it.

I don’t know if I will ever be able to stand up to my mum. I don’t know if I will ever be able to confront her. I’m scared of her because if I confront her and tell her how I feel. I know how she’s gonna react and I’m afraid of losing her. I don’t want to be the reason.

My mind is a never ending maze. I’m trying so hard to get myself out. Hopefully one day I can stop being a people please.

Stifle

I am unsure if this feeling is normal or not but sometimes I feel really anxious coming home.

I am done with my assignments so I don’t have much to do. I would like to go out but the feeling of just asking my parents makes me so anxious.

I replay the conversation in my head so many times. Trying to find the right way to ask without hearing the word say no. I overthink it so much.

There have been days where I want to go out but I am too scared to ask because of my parents. They think I go out a lot but I hardly do. I always try to come home on time. So they are not disappointed.

When I do come home, I have to answer questions like ‘where did you go’, ‘who did you go with’, ‘why did you go’. Questions that make my hand sweat, make me feel a lump in my throat. They are not complicated but straightforward somehow I feel like, they are spying on me because ‘i’ve been a rebellious child’. I would like my parents to ask me ‘did you have fun’, ‘anything interesting happen’. But I don’t know if I should be expecting anything from my parents.

I enjoy staying out so much. I love hanging out with my friends. I feel free and happy. It’s not like I don’t feel happy at home, I do. But sometimes, I feel suffocated.

We have the same routine since I can remember. During the day everyone works and do whatever they want but during nightime, everyone has to be home. But we just watch tv and gossip about family.

I don’t find that fun. I find it so boring. If I want to do something in my room, everyone thinks I am being antisocial but I really want to just do my own thing.

If I say this to my parents, they will be like ‘do we stop you’? ‘we let you do whatever you want’. Them saying that is a sign of emotional blackmail. Typical Indian parenting.

That’s why I get anxious coming home. Because I know what’s gonna happen. That’s why I enjoy work so much. I feel so relaxed. I try to work nights so I don’t have to be home. Sounds weird, like I love my family but sometimes I just feel like leaving.

I’ve noticed this behaviour change in me. When I am home, I tend to be quiet and just listen to everyone else. I don’t want to get in anyone’s way. I might be being dramatic about this, but if i asked what I was thinking, I would definitely have consequences.

Just moulding myself in the household where I feel, I don’t fit in anymore.

Dealing with criticism

I tend to defend myself when someone criticises me. I think I am doing a good thing for myself by standing up to them but it’s not.  For some reason, I can’t handle the fact that someone has told me off for my actions or way of thinking. I feel like they are realising my flaws and are bullying me.

For many years I have kept my flaws and weaknesses hidden. Never put them on display to people because I am afraid of judgement and the way people will perceive me. So whenever someone points out one these factors, I get really upset. I get on the verge to cry especially if it’s coming from the people I care about.

I also have a big ego and hence prove to others that I can do it.  I don’t like it when people offer to help me, I feel like they think I am not capable of doing it but my mind never thinks ‘they are trying to help you so let them’.

The real reason to tackle criticism is to be calm about it and consider what the person’s intention are. My parents always tell me off and I think I don’t deserve it because I am trying to be a good person so why should I get called out?

But parents will be parents, you can’t stop them.

I tend to believe the criticism, and think ‘they are right, why am I like this?’. But I shouldn’t be believing anyone. I take everything way too seriously and get all sensitive about it. I feel guilty later for being that way but in the moment I get so angry and upset. I don’t think the situation through calmly.

I need to learn to be more chilled out. I need to learn that no matter how old you are, people will find ways to criticise you and you have to learn to handle it. I need to learn to not believe every word people say to me. I need to learn to let go of the ego and allow people to help me if they offer. I need to learn to not cry over small issues but address it and move on.

I need to learn to be looser.

Self- Love.

What is self-love?

To me, it is working really really hard until you’re at the point in your life where you are happy.

I’ve been told since I was little if I don’t work hard and struggle enough I won’t achieve my goals.

And all I ever do is work and study hard to be at a stage where I am successful but what if I don’t get there, what if I give up halfway.

I don’t give time to myself at all. I don’t know what relaxing means. I don’t take time out to pamper myself or buy something really expensive. I feel like it a lot, but I take a step back and distract myself. As much as I would like to buy good clothes and makeup, I can’t because I feel it’s not a priority.

My priority has always been hustling, if I stop, I might fall behind. All my friends tell me to take time out for yourself, spoil yourself, or treat yourself. I really want too. I wish I could but the guilt makes me suffocated because my hard work is going into something irrelevant.

I am so used to being so busy that when I have nothing to do (rare days), I feel anxious because how do I make something good out of my time. And there are days where I rush myself to get things done and the panic attack kicks in. I don’t manage my time well and end up being unorganised which causes me to hyperventilate.

I don’t know how to tackle this. If I do things slowly, I will feel useless and think that I’m not being productive about my time.

I try hard every day to be more relaxed and not be on edge all the time.