First Everything

Nine months ago, I met my boyfriend. We knew each other 2 weeks before we decided to become official. Now people would say 2 weeks is a very short time to like someone and be with. However, in the 2 weeks, we talked over Facebook and the few times we met up, we knew it was the right thing to do. I have never had a boyfriend or even kissed a boy properly whereas my boyfriend had somewhat experience in the relationship sector. He knew what to do, what not to do. I was clueless and infatuated by his love, affection and the feeling of being liked in an attractive way. Now, at the start, we clicked really quickly, we thought we were the same people, I guess that’s why we wanted to be together. However, things took an ugly turn, when we got to know each other. The more time we spent together, we found differences, we saw flaws in each other, we disliked certain habits, but that is normal right, obviously, no two people are the same. But when we were finding these things out, we started to see each other in a different way. We had arguments over small issues (mostly started by me). I found it weird how he wanted me to send him a photo of me in a dress, wear makeup, wear certain types of clothes. I found all of this very overwhelming and said to him ‘you are changing me and I don’t like it’. He saw that too and realised he was pushing me to become someone, he thought I could handle it because I was so mature and understanding. But I wasn’t mature, I was lost, I thought he should accept me for who I am and like me for what I am. However that isn’t always the case, he made me see that relationship has sacrifices and expectations and in order for two people to work out was to apply these. So I did, it took me awhile but I did. Physically I was becoming a better person and I liked that. I felt confident so now when I think about it, I hate myself for starting those stupid fights.

 

My boyfriend is four years older than me, he is in a different life stage to me and we both have different short term goals. We both didn’t find the age gap weird, he struggled with it a bit but he came to terms with it eventually. We used to talk about being together forever, getting married, having kids, planning our future. Now knowing each other for 3 months we were discussing this. However, these conversations became distressing over time, we both eventually realised, our families are different, it won’t work out and what do we do, we break up, just 6 months into the relationship. It all ended. Just because we didn’t see a future together, like how dumb were we, breaking up over something unpredictable.

 

The break up was horrible, I felt my heart break into tiny pieces which glue couldn’t even fix. I wore the same clothes for days, cried myself to sleep and hooked up with some guy to feel wanted. But then a couple of weeks later we contacted each other and decided to meet up. We decided to work things out, not be too serious and go with the flow. Things were going fine until I decided to start a fight over small stuff, such as not receiving enough attention, not receiving enough love, not feeling wanted, not feeling understood etc. Obviously, I apologised because I was foolish to have done this because I only pointed out the negative and didn’t even address his positive. This fight made him reconsider his love for me. He told me this couple of days later that he realised I am not a compassionate person, I am still young and immature, I make a big deal over small things, I am confused, I have baggage, I am annoying, I am not the ideal one for him. Now there are some parts of my personality he hates, and I am trying my hardest to work on becoming a better person every day. I know I have issues but it’s not permanent, I believe that someday I will be able to overcome any sadness I feel.

 

My boyfriend wants a timeline, as to when this will happen, I think he wants me to grow up overnight but I am 19 and I think I am mature for my age. I love him and he loves me but i tend to question his love because he is not good at giving attention and affection, but that’s okay, I make myself understand that he is that sort of person. But there are times where I feel unloved such as when he dislikes certain behaviour of mine. Like what am I supposed to do then, if I hide it, I’m not being honest, if I show it, I am being immature, there is no middle ground. Both of us have our own issues and then we have relationship issues. I sometimes let my personal issues affect my relationship which makes it unstable and puts pressure on him. However, I am avoiding it now and dealing with it rather than make him my counsellor.

 

In the nine months, we have been together, I feel like we have had more fights, arguments and disagreements than happy memories. That is very sad because, in order to plan our future, we are wrecking our present. We both see long term things with each other but we can’t handle each other’s presence. Our relationship has consisted of arguments over pointing out flaws in each other, forcing a change and listing all the negative. I really want to make our relationship work, understand each other so well that we can just give a nod and the message is conveyed. I don’t want our relationship to become toxic that we start hating each other. I want to trust. I want communication. I want a healthy relationship.

 

Bottom line is, I feel like he doesn’t tell me things, which makes me question his love. He thinks I can’t handle it because I overreact to everything. Which then makes me feel that he doesn’t understand me and then he feels that I am questioning his love. Confusing right?