I am unsure if this feeling is normal or not but sometimes I feel really anxious coming home.

I am done with my assignments so I don’t have much to do. I would like to go out but the feeling of just asking my parents makes me so anxious.

I replay the conversation in my head so many times. Trying to find the right way to ask without hearing the word say no. I overthink it so much.

There have been days where I want to go out but I am too scared to ask because of my parents. They think I go out a lot but I hardly do. I always try to come home on time. So they are not disappointed.

When I do come home, I have to answer questions like ‘where did you go’, ‘who did you go with’, ‘why did you go’. Questions that make my hand sweat, make me feel a lump in my throat. They are not complicated but straightforward somehow I feel like, they are spying on me because ‘i’ve been a rebellious child’. I would like my parents to ask me ‘did you have fun’, ‘anything interesting happen’. But I don’t know if I should be expecting anything from my parents.

I enjoy staying out so much. I love hanging out with my friends. I feel free and happy. It’s not like I don’t feel happy at home, I do. But sometimes, I feel suffocated.

We have the same routine since I can remember. During the day everyone works and do whatever they want but during nightime, everyone has to be home. But we just watch tv and gossip about family.

I don’t find that fun. I find it so boring. If I want to do something in my room, everyone thinks I am being antisocial but I really want to just do my own thing.

If I say this to my parents, they will be like ‘do we stop you’? ‘we let you do whatever you want’. Them saying that is a sign of emotional blackmail. Typical Indian parenting.

That’s why I get anxious coming home. Because I know what’s gonna happen. That’s why I enjoy work so much. I feel so relaxed. I try to work nights so I don’t have to be home. Sounds weird, like I love my family but sometimes I just feel like leaving.

I’ve noticed this behaviour change in me. When I am home, I tend to be quiet and just listen to everyone else. I don’t want to get in anyone’s way. I might be being dramatic about this, but if i asked what I was thinking, I would definitely have consequences.

Just moulding myself in the household where I feel, I don’t fit in anymore.


Busy Bee

In the past week, I have been drowning in work. I had assignments due and 2 jobs that I have committed too.

I did 25 hours of work in over 3 days and managed to submit my assignment. It was such a stressful period. However, I surprised myself by remaining calm. I didn’t have any meltdown, I didn’t cry but the only thing that kept me stable was my watch.

I am a person who is late all the time and wearing a watch, really helped me. I was constantly looking at the time and it kept me going and I was up to date. I wasn’t running late.

Lately, I feel that i am maturing and I think people around me are acting weird. I look at my sister and she acts so childishly. I’ve never seen her act mature or had an intellectual conversation with her.  When she talks to me  I feel weird because I wish she could figure out that life isn’t just about fun and games. Take it seriously, because it’s precious.

The highlight of my weekend was snuggling with my man for a little while. I was mad at him because he said something that really hurt me and I felt like crying because I felt my confidence drop a lot. Even though I am trying my best not to let other people’s opinions influence me but he is the love of my life and I couldn’t do it. So for two days, I did not speak to him. And today I went and visited him and we made up. Then we spent some time together and it was the most peaceful thing in the world.

For the first time, I felt calm in a stressful situation. I hope I can keep it up.


Sleepless Nights 

No matter how wonderful my day has been.  When it comes to falling asleep, I struggle. A lot.

During the day, I’m fine, I’m doing my own thing, staying active and I feel tired and can’t wait to sleep but when it’s night time and I have to sleep, my mind starts running a thousand miles.

I am an over thinker and as soon as I lie down, my mind comes up with random scenarios and anxious thoughts.

It’s hard to push them away. I try to focus on my breathing but that doesn’t work either.

I tend to think about a lot of things especially what people think about me, people leaving me, people betraying me, people just not caring for me. And that scares me a lot because I try my best to treat others the way I want to be treated so why can’t I receive the same in return?

Should I not care at all?

I read this quote today that I found relatable, ‘ do you feel so emotionally exhausted that when someone tries being nice to you, you start to doubt it’.

I find myself relating to this because anyone who tries to be nice and caring towards me I instantly think do they have other intentions in mind. I went through this with my boyfriend. Initially, we had lots of sexual conversation and it was a lot from his side so I thought he just wanted me for sex  and we fought a lot  over it.

I just can’t let my mind loose. I really wish sleeping at night could be easier.

Big Mac (Chicken)

Don’t you love those days where nothing goes wrong, you don’t feel stressed out, everything is going smoothly.

Well, today was a day like that.

Even thought I spent the majority of my day trying to do my assignment, I felt I had achieved something.

One of my subjects I got  73% and that made me so happy because I was scoring in the 60s.

I submitted my assignment on time, got ready and went to work.

I find work really relaxing, because I don’t have to think about anything else, it is very laid back.

And I ended my night having some BIG MAC CHICKEN with my soon to be boyfriend.

I just wished there was a way for me to feel like this every day, with no anxiety and no sadness. I would achieve so many things.

Let down

Do you ever feel that you always let people down no matter what your actions are?

I feel that every day. If I don’t do the dishes before my mum comes home I feel bad and that I’ve let her down.

If I don’t do anything according to someone’s else’s standard, I feel shit because I’ve let them down.

Maybe this feeling comes from pleasing everyone all the time. I try to make ends meet with people I care about. I tend to overcommit to everyone.

I don’t remember a day where I haven’t cared about what others think.

Sometimes I wish I wasn’t this way but I’m scared that once I stop pleasing everyone, people will leave me and not care about me.



Dealing with criticism

I tend to defend myself when someone criticises me. I think I am doing a good thing for myself by standing up to them but it’s not.  For some reason, I can’t handle the fact that someone has told me off for my actions or way of thinking. I feel like they are realising my flaws and are bullying me.

For many years I have kept my flaws and weaknesses hidden. Never put them on display to people because I am afraid of judgement and the way people will perceive me. So whenever someone points out one these factors, I get really upset. I get on the verge to cry especially if it’s coming from the people I care about.

I also have a big ego and hence prove to others that I can do it.  I don’t like it when people offer to help me, I feel like they think I am not capable of doing it but my mind never thinks ‘they are trying to help you so let them’.

The real reason to tackle criticism is to be calm about it and consider what the person’s intention are. My parents always tell me off and I think I don’t deserve it because I am trying to be a good person so why should I get called out?

But parents will be parents, you can’t stop them.

I tend to believe the criticism, and think ‘they are right, why am I like this?’. But I shouldn’t be believing anyone. I take everything way too seriously and get all sensitive about it. I feel guilty later for being that way but in the moment I get so angry and upset. I don’t think the situation through calmly.

I need to learn to be more chilled out. I need to learn that no matter how old you are, people will find ways to criticise you and you have to learn to handle it. I need to learn to not believe every word people say to me. I need to learn to let go of the ego and allow people to help me if they offer. I need to learn to not cry over small issues but address it and move on.

I need to learn to be looser.

Self- Love.

What is self-love?

To me, it is working really really hard until you’re at the point in your life where you are happy.

I’ve been told since I was little if I don’t work hard and struggle enough I won’t achieve my goals.

And all I ever do is work and study hard to be at a stage where I am successful but what if I don’t get there, what if I give up halfway.

I don’t give time to myself at all. I don’t know what relaxing means. I don’t take time out to pamper myself or buy something really expensive. I feel like it a lot, but I take a step back and distract myself. As much as I would like to buy good clothes and makeup, I can’t because I feel it’s not a priority.

My priority has always been hustling, if I stop, I might fall behind. All my friends tell me to take time out for yourself, spoil yourself, or treat yourself. I really want too. I wish I could but the guilt makes me suffocated because my hard work is going into something irrelevant.

I am so used to being so busy that when I have nothing to do (rare days), I feel anxious because how do I make something good out of my time. And there are days where I rush myself to get things done and the panic attack kicks in. I don’t manage my time well and end up being unorganised which causes me to hyperventilate.

I don’t know how to tackle this. If I do things slowly, I will feel useless and think that I’m not being productive about my time.

I try hard every day to be more relaxed and not be on edge all the time.


Bitter Sweet 

Have you ever felt that you can do anything you want?

I feel like I can but I can’t

I have restrictions. I can’t go here, I can’t go there. Don’t stay out late. Where are you going? Why are you going? Who will you be with? Didn’t you go out last week?

These statements have been engraved in my mind.

If I want to do something, I have to ask. Why tho? I am 19 turning 20. I still have to ask for permission.

I don’t understand what my parents will achieve by having these rules.

They think I have freedom. Yes to some extent because I fought for it.

And to be honest I am done fighting. I don’t want to argue and prove my point.

I feel like my head will be much lighter if they understood my needs.

It is hard.

I have never expressed my feelings publicly before. So here it goes.

I have been struggling to understand my thoughts and feelings and I think I may have anxiety

There are days where I am living my day to day life normally. But there are days where I feel like I am not organised, I am rushing myself and my heart feels like someone has thrown a massive rock on it.

My brain feels like it is drowning in tension, stress and overthinking.

I keep myself so busy, so I don’t have to think about my thoughts. I push it away. I have been doing that for years. And it is creeping up to me now.

I struggle to contain my anger. Small things tick me off such as my Mum nagging me all the time and my sister just being herself. These things are normal in a household but I can’t seem to handle it. Anything they say or do that I perceive as judgement annoys me.

It’s not healthy to feel this away. I’m always telling other people to talk about their problems and feelings and there’s me who is reluctant to even speak what is bothering me.

I am not suicidal, I don’t have intentions to hurt myself. I just want people to understand me but I am asking too much. Because you know what the problem is, I don’t understand myself, I don’t believe in myself.  What I think about myself are based on opinions about what others think of me.

That isn’t the right way. I need to learn to accept the way I am. Not let other people’s judgement influence me.

I just hope I can do that one day. Love myself and know my worth because a very awesome and special person to me said I have potential to achieve the greatest things in life. That feeling is amazing because someone believes in me so much whereas I don’t and that is sad. I’m making it worse for myself.

I try to be the best version of myself every day. But my brain decides to do other things. My problem is to overcomplicate things. I wish to stop that one day.