Coming home

Everyone I know loves coming home because it’s a place they can relax. Come home to friendly faces. With me it’s not that way. I enjoy staying out such as being at work or at university. Coming home is like a chore to me, I don’t feel relaxed, I don’t feel happy, I feel constricted. 

I feel happy when I’m at uni, like I have achieved something. But at home I feel ignored, I feel like I’m always targeted. As soon as I step in my house I feel weird and uneasy. My family’s routine has been the same for quite sometime and it’s hard for them to change that. I have moved on hence I struggle to connect with them. 

The only place I feel happy is in my room and when I’m with my boyfriend. I’ve created a peaceful environment in my room. A place where I can relax and be calm. But I can’t have it too long, because I get asked why are you in your room? What are you doing? Come sit with us.

I haven’t felt this sad and anxious in a while  . I think I’m improving. 

First Everything

Nine months ago, I met my boyfriend. We knew each other 2 weeks before we decided to become official. Now people would say 2 weeks is a very short time to like someone and be with. However, in the 2 weeks, we talked over Facebook and the few times we met up, we knew it was the right thing to do. I have never had a boyfriend or even kissed a boy properly whereas my boyfriend had somewhat experience in the relationship sector. He knew what to do, what not to do. I was clueless and infatuated by his love, affection and the feeling of being liked in an attractive way. Now, at the start, we clicked really quickly, we thought we were the same people, I guess that’s why we wanted to be together. However, things took an ugly turn, when we got to know each other. The more time we spent together, we found differences, we saw flaws in each other, we disliked certain habits, but that is normal right, obviously, no two people are the same. But when we were finding these things out, we started to see each other in a different way. We had arguments over small issues (mostly started by me). I found it weird how he wanted me to send him a photo of me in a dress, wear makeup, wear certain types of clothes. I found all of this very overwhelming and said to him ‘you are changing me and I don’t like it’. He saw that too and realised he was pushing me to become someone, he thought I could handle it because I was so mature and understanding. But I wasn’t mature, I was lost, I thought he should accept me for who I am and like me for what I am. However that isn’t always the case, he made me see that relationship has sacrifices and expectations and in order for two people to work out was to apply these. So I did, it took me awhile but I did. Physically I was becoming a better person and I liked that. I felt confident so now when I think about it, I hate myself for starting those stupid fights.

 

My boyfriend is four years older than me, he is in a different life stage to me and we both have different short term goals. We both didn’t find the age gap weird, he struggled with it a bit but he came to terms with it eventually. We used to talk about being together forever, getting married, having kids, planning our future. Now knowing each other for 3 months we were discussing this. However, these conversations became distressing over time, we both eventually realised, our families are different, it won’t work out and what do we do, we break up, just 6 months into the relationship. It all ended. Just because we didn’t see a future together, like how dumb were we, breaking up over something unpredictable.

 

The break up was horrible, I felt my heart break into tiny pieces which glue couldn’t even fix. I wore the same clothes for days, cried myself to sleep and hooked up with some guy to feel wanted. But then a couple of weeks later we contacted each other and decided to meet up. We decided to work things out, not be too serious and go with the flow. Things were going fine until I decided to start a fight over small stuff, such as not receiving enough attention, not receiving enough love, not feeling wanted, not feeling understood etc. Obviously, I apologised because I was foolish to have done this because I only pointed out the negative and didn’t even address his positive. This fight made him reconsider his love for me. He told me this couple of days later that he realised I am not a compassionate person, I am still young and immature, I make a big deal over small things, I am confused, I have baggage, I am annoying, I am not the ideal one for him. Now there are some parts of my personality he hates, and I am trying my hardest to work on becoming a better person every day. I know I have issues but it’s not permanent, I believe that someday I will be able to overcome any sadness I feel.

 

My boyfriend wants a timeline, as to when this will happen, I think he wants me to grow up overnight but I am 19 and I think I am mature for my age. I love him and he loves me but i tend to question his love because he is not good at giving attention and affection, but that’s okay, I make myself understand that he is that sort of person. But there are times where I feel unloved such as when he dislikes certain behaviour of mine. Like what am I supposed to do then, if I hide it, I’m not being honest, if I show it, I am being immature, there is no middle ground. Both of us have our own issues and then we have relationship issues. I sometimes let my personal issues affect my relationship which makes it unstable and puts pressure on him. However, I am avoiding it now and dealing with it rather than make him my counsellor.

 

In the nine months, we have been together, I feel like we have had more fights, arguments and disagreements than happy memories. That is very sad because, in order to plan our future, we are wrecking our present. We both see long term things with each other but we can’t handle each other’s presence. Our relationship has consisted of arguments over pointing out flaws in each other, forcing a change and listing all the negative. I really want to make our relationship work, understand each other so well that we can just give a nod and the message is conveyed. I don’t want our relationship to become toxic that we start hating each other. I want to trust. I want communication. I want a healthy relationship.

 

Bottom line is, I feel like he doesn’t tell me things, which makes me question his love. He thinks I can’t handle it because I overreact to everything. Which then makes me feel that he doesn’t understand me and then he feels that I am questioning his love. Confusing right?

Overcoming Overthinking

Yes, I’m one of those people who have to think  A LOT about everything. Such as what to order, what to wear, what to say and what not to say. The most frustrating action my mind takes is imagining situations and rehearsing everything I will need to say so there are no mistakes. This overthinking put my mental state in such distress that I feel my hands wet from all the sweating. I understand the true meaning of headaches during this time. When I imagine situations, I think of the worst outcome possible, then I feel upset and back myself away in real when the situation arises. This frustrates a lot of people around me such as my boyfriend. He finds it weird how I do this to myself, making a big deal over spilt milk. He tells me to only focus on things that need energy and time and not waste my mental energy on useless things. Because of this behaviour we have had numerous fights and arguments, this then upsets me because I know it is my fault because I had to overthink everything and it had to be a big deal. At the end, we both get so exhausted that we forget what we were fighting about. The only way I find myself overcoming this behaviour is to not think. Sounds impossible but it is helping me.

The only way I find myself overcoming this behaviour is to not think. Sounds impossible but it is helping me. Here’s what I do, when I find myself observing and analysing every little detail and every angle of a prospect situation. I step back and say, ‘does it need to be big deal’. Do I really want to put myself through this? The most important question I ask myself is ‘will it matter to me in 24 hours?’If it doesn’t then you know, it isn’t worth putting yourself in a pickle jar where the escape is inevitable. Overthinking has always been an issue for me and probably will in the later future. But the important thing to learn is to find ways to deal with this. Not just calming yourself but actual effective methods that help you escape the situation. Once you’ve discovered that, repeat it and tell yourself you can do this, you can overcome it.

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Self Sabostage

When good things happen to me, I somehow come up with ways to destroy it.

The best thing that has happened to me in my life is my boyfriend. I never imagined that someone will actually like me or see me in an attractive way.

He loves me a lot, cares for me dearly but he is different in expressing it. He is very minimal. Doesn’t it show it through presents or dates and to be honest I like it this way. But when we talk he is minimal as well. He behaves as if his life is boring. It frustrates me because when we talk, it’s mostly me talking about random stuff.

This then makes me feel I am not good enough or I am boring. This then makes me doubt his feelings for me.

I really love him and make such an effort to make this relationship work. It’s hard tho.

I say things and do stuff that hurt him and I sabotage our relationship.

I don’t know what I am doing.

Roses and Thorns

Do you ever feel that you don’t deserve happiness?
There are phases where I am good, I am fine. No anxious thoughts. No sadness. Just happiness. 
However these phases scare me because I feel something bad is bound to happen. This is temporary.
I feel like I don’t deserve a happy phase, just sadness and panic attacks. That’s what I’m destined for. 
I envy those who can sustain happiness for themselves. I struggle with it a lot. I’ve started drawing and that makes me feel like I am talented. I have skills. 
When you’re not taught how to sustain happiness for yourself as a child. it’s hard to learn it as an adult. 

Dear Mum and Dad

Dear Mum and Dad,

I hope to tell you one day about my anxiety that has developed because of you guys. The endless overthinking, the increase in breathing and the overwhelming feeling of guilt.

Ever since I was a child, you have told me to be independent, be strong and be capable of doings on my own. But when I do, why do you act like a stop sign. I went out today and said I’ll be home on time but didn’t come until 9 pm. Let me remind you I am 19 turning 20. I would like some sort of freedom now. When will it stop?

Yes, you will tell me ‘we give you freedom’, ‘we let you do whatever you want’ etc etc etc. No that is not the case, you don’t let me do whatever I want. Because of me, my friends can’t enjoy properly. They are nice enough to understand but it will get annoying at some point.

It is my holidays, I work Thursday to Sunday. Rest of the days I am home. Do you expect me to stay home at all times? Not go out at all. If I can, please tell me what is allowed and what isn’t?

I think that you guys are understanding and if I’m late you guys will be okay with it. But I am wrong.  One call scares the shit out of me. Today I felt like I did the most horrible thing. I disobeyed you guys. It’s a really scary feeling. I get very stressed. I don’t know if you will ever understand me and what you put me through. I know I shouldn’t be pleasing anyone including you guys but I don’t want to disappoint you.

I act all tough and strong. Always advocating to stand up for what you believe in. But I do that to encourage others. Not like me who is so vulnerable and fragile on the inside that one phone call makes me have a meltdown.

I am this weakling, who is scared of disappointment, scared of losing you guys.

I have friends you don’t like. But you should trust me not to get into anything stupid. But I don’t receive that trust. I receive nothing but doubt.

I can’t stand up to guys about staying out late because I shit my pants. I can’t remain calm when you ring me. I can’t relax when you ring me to say I am late. I can’t control my breathing. I can’t control my urge to cry.

I hope to stand up to the both of you. One day I will. When I am strong and fearless. I’m not sure what will happen but it’s gonna happen.

Oh, I wish to ask for everything I seek but I am not strong enough. I may yell, argue and speak really loud but to you guys, it will be like a little child throwing a tantrum.

You want us to do things that you want. Hang out with your friends. Go where you want. What if I don’t want that? I want to hang out with my own friends. Do things that I want. I hope you understand this some day.

I don’t want to argue and go out. I don’t want to have a fight. Why can’t it be simple?

It will make my life so much easier. So much less stressful.

This probably won’t matter in the long run, I probably won’t remember it a week down line from today. But it affected me, it’s affecting me now and will continue to affect me when similar situations arise.

 

 

 

 

Sore Feet

Do you ever feel that you have to do a task because no one else will do it?

With me, it’s simple there are chores to do around the house, my sister doesn’t do it because she wants to enjoy her weekend. Whereas me I can’t do that. I feel bad that my mum has to everything by herself plus things will be dirty.

I am not seeking sympathy. I just feel very tired doing things around the house because it’s usually done during the weekend and I work this time. I feel exhausted and want to relax but I can’t bring myself too.

I don’t know why my sister doesn’t like helping around. Sometimes I feel she lacks empathy.

When I do my bit, people praise me and my sister thinks I want attention, but I don’t. I don’t want to be the center of attention. I just like being clean and tidy.

 

Spineless

I am a people pleaser and I hate it.

I feel the need to do things that the other person wants. They probably don’t care if I do it or not but I have to do it. I need to complete it to make them happy.

I have Mum issues and that’s where my people pleasing issues come from. Always did things that would make her happy. Said things she will like.  Even though it was like that when we were little and now I am 19. I still am that way. Doing things and saying things she will like. So I don’t disappoint her. I just don’t want to be a disappointment to anyone. If I say no to her I feel like she will emotionally blackmail me and make me sound like I’m such a horrible child. It’s really hard for me to listen to that. In the moment I can listen and let it out from the other ear but the words will linger around for a long time. There are things that I want to do but because my mum might not approve of it, I step away from it.

It’s always been like doing things her way and god forbid if I brought up my own way. That’s not allowed. She’s always right and whatever my sister or I say is wrong and that we are being a smartass.

I sometimes feel I live for her and do things according to her. I can’t do anything for myself. Because of this I have become a people pleaser.

I please anyone. I would do whatever it takes to give them what they want. It’s a horrible thing to do and I know I shouldn’t  be living this way. But it’s hard to let go of this behaviour.

My boyfriend tells me to wear certain type of clothes because it will look good on me and it will suit me but my mum might not agree to it so I don’t wear it but make the excuse of I don’t feel comfortable wearing it. I would like to show off my curves and dress nice all the time but if it’s something my mum might not approve of, I stop myself. Because she will me tell off. I don’t know how to stop this. I am scared of her. I want to wear whatever the fuck I want. I don’t know why I have to please her.

Sometimes I feel, I missed out on so many things because she said no. Now I’m an adult wth no skills, no direction in her life. I pretend to know what I’m doing but I actually don’t know where my life is headed.

Being a people pleaser sucks. You live with these anxious thoughts of doubt all the time. I wish I wasn’t. I pretend to be strong but I’m really not. I’m so sensitive. Small things tick me off. I have trust issues. I feel people are being nice to me for the sake  of it.

I don’t know if I will ever be able to stand up to my mum. I don’t know if I will ever be able to confront her. I’m scared of her because if I confront her and tell her how I feel. I know how she’s gonna react and I’m afraid of losing her. I don’t want to be the reason.

My mind is a never ending maze. I’m trying so hard to get myself out. Hopefully one day I can stop being a people please.

Stifle

I am unsure if this feeling is normal or not but sometimes I feel really anxious coming home.

I am done with my assignments so I don’t have much to do. I would like to go out but the feeling of just asking my parents makes me so anxious.

I replay the conversation in my head so many times. Trying to find the right way to ask without hearing the word say no. I overthink it so much.

There have been days where I want to go out but I am too scared to ask because of my parents. They think I go out a lot but I hardly do. I always try to come home on time. So they are not disappointed.

When I do come home, I have to answer questions like ‘where did you go’, ‘who did you go with’, ‘why did you go’. Questions that make my hand sweat, make me feel a lump in my throat. They are not complicated but straightforward somehow I feel like, they are spying on me because ‘i’ve been a rebellious child’. I would like my parents to ask me ‘did you have fun’, ‘anything interesting happen’. But I don’t know if I should be expecting anything from my parents.

I enjoy staying out so much. I love hanging out with my friends. I feel free and happy. It’s not like I don’t feel happy at home, I do. But sometimes, I feel suffocated.

We have the same routine since I can remember. During the day everyone works and do whatever they want but during nightime, everyone has to be home. But we just watch tv and gossip about family.

I don’t find that fun. I find it so boring. If I want to do something in my room, everyone thinks I am being antisocial but I really want to just do my own thing.

If I say this to my parents, they will be like ‘do we stop you’? ‘we let you do whatever you want’. Them saying that is a sign of emotional blackmail. Typical Indian parenting.

That’s why I get anxious coming home. Because I know what’s gonna happen. That’s why I enjoy work so much. I feel so relaxed. I try to work nights so I don’t have to be home. Sounds weird, like I love my family but sometimes I just feel like leaving.

I’ve noticed this behaviour change in me. When I am home, I tend to be quiet and just listen to everyone else. I don’t want to get in anyone’s way. I might be being dramatic about this, but if i asked what I was thinking, I would definitely have consequences.

Just moulding myself in the household where I feel, I don’t fit in anymore.

Busy Bee

In the past week, I have been drowning in work. I had assignments due and 2 jobs that I have committed too.

I did 25 hours of work in over 3 days and managed to submit my assignment. It was such a stressful period. However, I surprised myself by remaining calm. I didn’t have any meltdown, I didn’t cry but the only thing that kept me stable was my watch.

I am a person who is late all the time and wearing a watch, really helped me. I was constantly looking at the time and it kept me going and I was up to date. I wasn’t running late.

Lately, I feel that i am maturing and I think people around me are acting weird. I look at my sister and she acts so childishly. I’ve never seen her act mature or had an intellectual conversation with her.  When she talks to me  I feel weird because I wish she could figure out that life isn’t just about fun and games. Take it seriously, because it’s precious.

The highlight of my weekend was snuggling with my man for a little while. I was mad at him because he said something that really hurt me and I felt like crying because I felt my confidence drop a lot. Even though I am trying my best not to let other people’s opinions influence me but he is the love of my life and I couldn’t do it. So for two days, I did not speak to him. And today I went and visited him and we made up. Then we spent some time together and it was the most peaceful thing in the world.

For the first time, I felt calm in a stressful situation. I hope I can keep it up.