Dear Mum and Dad,
I hope to tell you one day about my anxiety that has developed because of you guys. The endless overthinking, the increase in breathing and the overwhelming feeling of guilt.
Ever since I was a child, you have told me to be independent, be strong and be capable of doings on my own. But when I do, why do you act like a stop sign. I went out today and said I’ll be home on time but didn’t come until 9 pm. Let me remind you I am 19 turning 20. I would like some sort of freedom now. When will it stop?
Yes, you will tell me ‘we give you freedom’, ‘we let you do whatever you want’ etc etc etc. No that is not the case, you don’t let me do whatever I want. Because of me, my friends can’t enjoy properly. They are nice enough to understand but it will get annoying at some point.
It is my holidays, I work Thursday to Sunday. Rest of the days I am home. Do you expect me to stay home at all times? Not go out at all. If I can, please tell me what is allowed and what isn’t?
I think that you guys are understanding and if I’m late you guys will be okay with it. But I am wrong. One call scares the shit out of me. Today I felt like I did the most horrible thing. I disobeyed you guys. It’s a really scary feeling. I get very stressed. I don’t know if you will ever understand me and what you put me through. I know I shouldn’t be pleasing anyone including you guys but I don’t want to disappoint you.
I act all tough and strong. Always advocating to stand up for what you believe in. But I do that to encourage others. Not like me who is so vulnerable and fragile on the inside that one phone call makes me have a meltdown.
I am this weakling, who is scared of disappointment, scared of losing you guys.
I have friends you don’t like. But you should trust me not to get into anything stupid. But I don’t receive that trust. I receive nothing but doubt.
I can’t stand up to guys about staying out late because I shit my pants. I can’t remain calm when you ring me. I can’t relax when you ring me to say I am late. I can’t control my breathing. I can’t control my urge to cry.
I hope to stand up to the both of you. One day I will. When I am strong and fearless. I’m not sure what will happen but it’s gonna happen.
Oh, I wish to ask for everything I seek but I am not strong enough. I may yell, argue and speak really loud but to you guys, it will be like a little child throwing a tantrum.
You want us to do things that you want. Hang out with your friends. Go where you want. What if I don’t want that? I want to hang out with my own friends. Do things that I want. I hope you understand this some day.
I don’t want to argue and go out. I don’t want to have a fight. Why can’t it be simple?
It will make my life so much easier. So much less stressful.
This probably won’t matter in the long run, I probably won’t remember it a week down line from today. But it affected me, it’s affecting me now and will continue to affect me when similar situations arise.