Spineless

I am a people pleaser and I hate it.

I feel the need to do things that the other person wants. They probably don’t care if I do it or not but I have to do it. I need to complete it to make them happy.

I have Mum issues and that’s where my people pleasing issues come from. Always did things that would make her happy. Said things she will like.  Even though it was like that when we were little and now I am 19. I still am that way. Doing things and saying things she will like. So I don’t disappoint her. I just don’t want to be a disappointment to anyone. If I say no to her I feel like she will emotionally blackmail me and make me sound like I’m such a horrible child. It’s really hard for me to listen to that. In the moment I can listen and let it out from the other ear but the words will linger around for a long time. There are things that I want to do but because my mum might not approve of it, I step away from it.

It’s always been like doing things her way and god forbid if I brought up my own way. That’s not allowed. She’s always right and whatever my sister or I say is wrong and that we are being a smartass.

I sometimes feel I live for her and do things according to her. I can’t do anything for myself. Because of this I have become a people pleaser.

I please anyone. I would do whatever it takes to give them what they want. It’s a horrible thing to do and I know I shouldn’t  be living this way. But it’s hard to let go of this behaviour.

My boyfriend tells me to wear certain type of clothes because it will look good on me and it will suit me but my mum might not agree to it so I don’t wear it but make the excuse of I don’t feel comfortable wearing it. I would like to show off my curves and dress nice all the time but if it’s something my mum might not approve of, I stop myself. Because she will me tell off. I don’t know how to stop this. I am scared of her. I want to wear whatever the fuck I want. I don’t know why I have to please her.

Sometimes I feel, I missed out on so many things because she said no. Now I’m an adult wth no skills, no direction in her life. I pretend to know what I’m doing but I actually don’t know where my life is headed.

Being a people pleaser sucks. You live with these anxious thoughts of doubt all the time. I wish I wasn’t. I pretend to be strong but I’m really not. I’m so sensitive. Small things tick me off. I have trust issues. I feel people are being nice to me for the sake  of it.

I don’t know if I will ever be able to stand up to my mum. I don’t know if I will ever be able to confront her. I’m scared of her because if I confront her and tell her how I feel. I know how she’s gonna react and I’m afraid of losing her. I don’t want to be the reason.

My mind is a never ending maze. I’m trying so hard to get myself out. Hopefully one day I can stop being a people please.

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