Stifle

I am unsure if this feeling is normal or not but sometimes I feel really anxious coming home.

I am done with my assignments so I don’t have much to do. I would like to go out but the feeling of just asking my parents makes me so anxious.

I replay the conversation in my head so many times. Trying to find the right way to ask without hearing the word say no. I overthink it so much.

There have been days where I want to go out but I am too scared to ask because of my parents. They think I go out a lot but I hardly do. I always try to come home on time. So they are not disappointed.

When I do come home, I have to answer questions like ‘where did you go’, ‘who did you go with’, ‘why did you go’. Questions that make my hand sweat, make me feel a lump in my throat. They are not complicated but straightforward somehow I feel like, they are spying on me because ‘i’ve been a rebellious child’. I would like my parents to ask me ‘did you have fun’, ‘anything interesting happen’. But I don’t know if I should be expecting anything from my parents.

I enjoy staying out so much. I love hanging out with my friends. I feel free and happy. It’s not like I don’t feel happy at home, I do. But sometimes, I feel suffocated.

We have the same routine since I can remember. During the day everyone works and do whatever they want but during nightime, everyone has to be home. But we just watch tv and gossip about family.

I don’t find that fun. I find it so boring. If I want to do something in my room, everyone thinks I am being antisocial but I really want to just do my own thing.

If I say this to my parents, they will be like ‘do we stop you’? ‘we let you do whatever you want’. Them saying that is a sign of emotional blackmail. Typical Indian parenting.

That’s why I get anxious coming home. Because I know what’s gonna happen. That’s why I enjoy work so much. I feel so relaxed. I try to work nights so I don’t have to be home. Sounds weird, like I love my family but sometimes I just feel like leaving.

I’ve noticed this behaviour change in me. When I am home, I tend to be quiet and just listen to everyone else. I don’t want to get in anyone’s way. I might be being dramatic about this, but if i asked what I was thinking, I would definitely have consequences.

Just moulding myself in the household where I feel, I don’t fit in anymore.

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